Fear is such a small word, and such an awful emotion. I feel frightened right now, bordering on panicked. I’ve just finished writing a short short that’s left me trembling. My jaw and stomach are clenched, and I have that sickening sensation that something is scraping the back of my throat.
I want to submit this short short because I think it’s good and genuine, but it’s scandalous. I think Pindeldyboz for one would accept it. I’ve long wanted to publish with Pindeldyboz. But do I have the courage to allow this piece into the world?
Much like my piece “Snatches” in Storyglossia 33, I think this one would scandalize many. I’m afraid of that type of exposure, judgment, and criticism. I thought I’d die after publishing “Snatches.” Seriously. Because of the explicit nature of much of my work I’m afraid people will think less of me, and most terrifying of all, of my young daughters.
Sometimes I feel frightened and ashamed of my work because so much of it is around sex, sexuality, and abuse. The writer in me is so much braver and fiercer than the rest of me. There’s so many I can’t share my writing with. This makes me feel sad and confused.
On Monday, Monkeybicycle (online) will publish my short “Under Water.” After “Snatches” produced gasps and fingerpointing from some, I felt mortified and withdrew “Under Water” from consideration at three magazines.
Once I recovered from that wound, I felt compelled to resubmit “Under Water” and am thrilled that Jessa Marsh at Monkeybicycle accepted it. Yet the fear is also there. That “can I really publish that?” terror.
I could use a pseudonym, I know, but that seems self-defeating. Throughout my childhood, I kept secrets and felt that no one, least of all my parents, truly knew or understood me. It’s damaging. I’m still trying to come out of hiding. What, though, will writing what I need to write cost me and my family? And why do I need to write about all that anyway?
Some of my favorite writers in this community are fierce and fearless, and some of their best work centers on these very themes. Is it at all frightening for you? Do you feel comfortable with your subject matters? Proud? Defiant? Or is there a part of you that also quakes? I'd love to know.
For me, exposure and the why and what of my writing is an ongoing battle. Meanwhile, I’m saying what I need to say and hoping I’m doing the right thing.
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You're a large-hearted talent, Ethel, and fearless, too...at least it seems that way from where I sit.
ReplyDeleteBless you, Katrina. You bring such a warm, gracious spirit to our community.
ReplyDeleteethel -- the title of your post says it all. say what you need to say. keeping secrets can be so much more damaging.
ReplyDeletesometimes people seem fearless. sometimes they're not what they seem. you have provided support to me when i have had doubts and crises of confidence. i support you and your remarkable writing.
judgment is a weakness in others. push through.
Thanks so much, Lauren. I value your support and wisdom. Large exhale :-)
ReplyDeleteYou say what you need to say, Ethel. Under Water is a lovely story. It is so brave, as is all of your writing.
ReplyDeleteI understand the fear. I worry when I publish a particularly explicit story--what will my family, colleagues, future employers, random people think but then I swallow that fear because I'm just telling stories and not everyone may like them or approve of the subject matters but at the end of the day, the stories are mine. No one can take that from me. More importantly, no one can take that from you. Say what you need to say.
Roxane, thank you for sharing that you understand the fear. I feel so fortunate that our paths have crossed. "... the stories are mine. No one can take that from me." Yes. Yes. I earned them.
ReplyDeleteYou have managed to do what I cannot yet; you recover from the wound and go on. You may not feel fearless, but all it takes is that fearless action, the forward propulsion, the single moment when you say again, "Yes."
ReplyDeleteJust read "Under Water," and I can't fathom how you could ever doubt the importance and grace of what you have accomplished. Congratulations.
ReplyDeleteTanita and Laura, I have a lump in my throat. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI have a basket of stories,poems etc., and countless journal entries asking why am I not done circling the terrain you speak of. Knowing you are willing to write it, put it out, allow it to come up out of the soil and flower--where it can be seen, read, by others, I am that much closer to considering such exposure. Brave girl...thank you.
ReplyDeleteI can't think of anything wiser, warmer and more encouraging than what's already been mentioned above. But I will say that I think writers can be both fearless and fragile -- sometimes more of one than the other, true; it's a balancing act. And congrats on "Under Water." I agree with Laura.
ReplyDeleteI understand the fear, Ethel, and it can be crippling. But a wise woman recently reminded me that I'm here to live authentically. Remembering this gives me courage. People judge and criticize to make themselves feel better. But we don't have to accept it. Sometimes easier said than done, I know.
ReplyDeleteI admire your willingness to put this, your fears, out there. Perhaps it signals that you're more fearless than you think ;)
Dear Tania, Andrew, and Mitzi: As is true for the all the comments here, I cannot fully say how much it means to me to receive your support and encouragement. I'm blessed. Thank you.
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